Take This Pinta and Shove It

My personal quest of passion and justice to have the national holiday of “Columbus Day” renamed to “Rape & Pillage Celebration Day” has just received further ammunition — a new genetic study indicates that Columbus was not only responsible for introducing the time-honored traditions of raping indigenous infidels and pillaging foreign land to the New World, but can also lay claim to the New World’s introduction to syphilis as well.  I hereby call on the powers-that-be to rename “Columbus Day” to “Rape, Pillage, and Spread a Venereal Disease Day” and to mark such occasion by flying an American flag at half-mast, slightly charred, and hosting a large red rash in the center.  (Of course, there is always the option of jettisoning a holiday in honor of a person whose exploits should have earned him the title of Satan’s butt monkey for all of eternity in favor of a more festive celebration of American discovery and invention.  I’m just saying.)