The Ballad of the Oculi

Every morning, I come to a mental crossroads — do I read the NY Times and Washington Post online, thereby saving reams of paper, but subjecting my eyes to mean, glaring pixels that want nothing more than to rip my sight away from me at a youthful age?  Or do I print out the articles that I am interesting in perusing in-depth, thereby contributing to worldwide deforestation, but preserving my oculi and therefore keeping them eligible for organ donation down the road?  Oh, the dilemma.

In less neurotic news, I almost fell out of my chair in court today.  While I am always anxious to make a lasting impression on the judges, methinks the graceless splat of my large frame hitting the floor is not the kind of message I’d like to be sending to the local judiciary.  This is why slouching is really bad, kids – not because it could lead to looking like you have Captain Hook’s appendage up your arse later in life, but because it could cause random acts of utter embarassment.  This has been a Public Service Announcement.